i am a genius scientist prophet goddess

2009-10-03T16:50:00.001-07:00

Putting this to rest!
mainly because i got a gmail and don't feel like logging in and out of two different google accounts. plus there's too many bad memories in this. find me elsewhere!

let me climb under your skin, oh let me in.

2009-10-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

if the sea should swallow up my house, i will turn my rooftop inside out, and the wind will be wailing, but i will be sailing faster. oh the elements i do not fear, but i fall apart when you appear cause you are the greatest. the greatest disaster.

my heart is not in school semester, and i think it may have something to do with the fact that i'm sick to the point of tears almost every day. and when i'm not sick, i'm just exhausted from being sick. vicious cycles rule my life.

i switched my major to english, and of course i want to switch back to dance so bad. luckily if i choose to do so, or even if i choose to continue school, the credits i'm taking this semester will all carry over. i joined hip hop club, mainly because i want to get in shape and the club is before my jazz class on tuesdays and thursdays so it'll be like three hours of dancing those days. i'm also trying to go to ACDF in march. (american college dance festival). it's in virginia. four days of dance class.

i just wanna be a grown up already.

songs about california.

2009-09-30T17:09:00.000-07:00

one of my besties is moving to san diego, TOMORROW, so i made him this mix:

1. california love - tupac and dr. dre.
2. california - phantom planet.
3. california - the adicts. (so punk).
4. the vast spoils of america - saves the day.
5. california one / youth and beauty brigade - the decemberists.
6. pictures of success - rilo kiley.
7. california dreamin' - the mamas and the papas.
8. atomic - tiger army.
9. california - the kooks.
10. californication - the red hot chili peppers.
11. california - copeland.
12. california - rufus wainwright.
13. a long december - the counting crows.
14. hotel california - the eagles.
15. pacific theme - broken social scene.
16. california girls - the beach boys.

André Kertész.

2009-09-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

but me, i'm probably having an ugly day because my words were so ugly last night.

2009-09-27T09:12:00.001-07:00

i want to be really skinny and quit school and fuck it, whatever.

2009-09-26T20:45:00.000-07:00

will we find a seat out by the water? a tipping glass, pretending that we're free? will the tides come up to greet us, act as summer, say hello? if it's up to me, i'd never let you leave. i'm so tired, so lay down.

2009-09-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

my cheeks red like fire engines racing straight to the heat of your skin and i know our days are numbered, early bird of the summer, you'll fly south just as the fall begins.

2009-09-21T19:04:00.000-07:00

it's a beautiful thing when you love some body, and i love some body.

2009-09-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

brown hair in a birds nest, a pile of teeth under a tree,
the frayed sleeves of a poorly tailored jacket.

lament of pretty baby.

2009-09-16T12:09:00.000-07:00

we love you just the way you are; the butterfly pinned to the page, the nightingale locked in the cage. won't you sing for me? yeah, we love you just the way you are; crushed 'neath fashion magazines, trampled by circus pony dreams, won't you kiss me?

everything will probably not be okay.

2009-09-09T01:07:00.000-07:00

vinnie will be here in about 14 hours. i'm so excited but at the same time i feel really embarrassed and ashamed of myself because my body is really disgusting me. i feel like he's really beautiful and really in shape and fit and i'm falling out of shape. but i don't know why, i don't know what's going on with my body. it's really killing me, my self esteem is shot to shit, especially at work where the girls are pretty and thin and dressed nice. i have no image. i hate my body. i wish i had the will power to fast again, but sadly i don't. fuck. i'm almost positive it's due to stomach issues. i'm going to the doctor tomorrow and he better fucking fix me for once. things were perfect in may/june/july. i actually liked the way i looked. that is so rare. i'd give anything to have that feeling back because my happiness is riding on it.

so on top of the doctor tomorrow, i have to:

clean out my car.
walk penny.
fitness class @ 1:30-4:20.
stop at the mall.
english class @ 6:00-9:00
SEE VINNIE<3.

FIX ME.
FIX IT
fixit.

2009-09-07T20:18:00.001-07:00

whatever, it's a job.

2009-09-06T22:23:00.000-07:00

2009-09-02T14:04:00.001-07:00

last year this time i was a wreck.
now i am finally happy.

8/30/09.

2009-08-31T21:52:00.000-07:00

Wil Andrews.

"existence".

2009-08-29T21:23:00.001-07:00

dirt roads remind me of my skin.

2009-08-27T21:56:00.000-07:00

but i know that i was put here to fight Vikings in the cold war with my arms out in the front lines singing, “dare me. dare me.”

but these things take time, love.
these things take backbone.

2009-08-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

home has never felt so good.

i felt love again.

2009-08-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

i got plenty of time, you got light in your eyes and you're standing here beside me. i love the passing of time. never for money, always for love.

we drift in and out, sing into my mouth. out of all those kinds of people, you got a face with a view. i'm just an animal looking for a home. share the same space for a minute or two,

and you love me til my heart stops.

produce.

2009-08-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

2009-08-18T16:57:00.000-07:00

one day i won't be sick anymore.
one day we'll live in the same place.
one day i won't ever think about you again.

i've got friends in highly low places.

2009-08-16T22:33:00.001-07:00

2009-08-14T00:05:00.000-07:00

i can't keep living with the feeling
that i'm giving up everything for you.

i don't know what i'm doing anymore.

i wanna feel weightless.

2009-08-12T21:08:00.000-07:00

i wanna live it up just because.

2009-08-10T16:45:00.000-07:00

love is best an illusion.

say it ain't so.

2009-08-09T22:18:00.000-07:00

i wish reading old myspace comments didn't make me lose my breath.

i'm pretty sure romance, as well as chivalry is dead.

the ones responsible are the ones who frequent(ed) my life.

2009-08-08T20:07:00.000-07:00

i realized then you were perfect.

i really really cannot put into words how much i miss vinnie. so much, especially now.

2009-08-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

in my blacking out, i think i let you down.
i wish you'd try to save me.

your silence makes me crazy.

2009-08-05T19:11:00.000-07:00

i always get the shit end of the stick

2009-08-03T22:04:00.000-07:00

....but if i could pick two friends that were guaranteed to never leave, it'd be these two.

my brother is leaving for school in 13 days.
i haven't made any attempt at trying to get closer to him.

a camera lens and careful days.

2009-07-30T01:26:00.000-07:00

it's always blue and black or breaking skin.

2009-07-28T21:57:00.000-07:00

i never asked to be sorry, if its over its over for sure.
i don't regret that i didn't want to remember what all this was for.

so this is all we can do, what news is in store?
how come starting over would be frowned on anymore?

i'm fine, i'm quite okay.

2009-07-27T17:09:00.000-07:00

no one's seen this picture before.
no one knows where it is.
i wish i didn't either.

"riding upright and riding late straight through somewhere everything's so unused, unlike you. this is why i still sleep in the air. my armor plated car ride crashed straight into your thighs. you threw up my best skin cause you never loved it. so please dear, untie me before we drive that awful extra mile."

i don't plan on you tonight.

i can't believe what just happened. as if a year is not enough. as if last fall was not enough. i can't stop listening to northstar, if i can't scream it, nick torres can sing it. i just wanna sleep and not have nightmares. please?

still, i would not be anywhere without my friends. right now, i'm grateful to be alone in new jersey in my house in my room. i can't imagine being anywhere else.

2009-07-27T00:05:00.000-07:00

i should be in bed right now. but my thoughts are racing and my legs are shaking. i'm so wired but my brain is begging for relaxation. i'm so anxious for no apparent reason. i wish i had a job, anything will do til i move. i wish it was halloween so i could dress like an native american princess. i wish i was with vinnie. i wish we could swim in the ocean all day.

i wish i wish i wish.
i just want.

-------------

"To dream that you have to repeat high school, suggests that you are doubting your accomplishments and the goals that you have already completed. You feel that you may not be measuring up to the expectation of others. The dream may occur because some recent situation may have awakened old anxieties and insecurities. "

"To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, highlights your insecurities and your fears of being abandoned. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others."

yes, that is about right. i am not measuring up to what anyone once thought i would.

2009-07-25T15:02:00.000-07:00

i can't believe my conscious told me
that we'd be alright.

the hazards of love.

2009-07-23T21:27:00.000-07:00

went on a limb for you,
capsized when i turned twenty two.
did it burn as bad for you?
no bottle serves to soothe my wounds.
do hope i won't learn to make the same mistakes that you would.
make me aware, my only fear, my only hope is letting go.
you're a few years overdue,
i spent them waiting here for you.

watching romantic comedies or romantic movies, or even fairy tales, makes me miss my boyfriend. but at the same time, i still long for that "getting to know you" period. i wish i had shaky nervous hands, different than the worried ones i'm left with now. i forgot what it's like to care about what someone thinks of me. i guess i really shouldn't care.

but after screaming matches and a sore throat, i get vengeful and start wishing it was last august. no one else cares.

i'm weary of my happiness. always.

and when we kissed,
it didn't feel poisonous.
and when you cried,
i dried off your blue eyes.
she smiles at me as she is falling asleep,
says "we've gotta live
the best we know how to."

this is so accurate right now.

2009-07-22T20:25:00.000-07:00

2009-07-17T20:24:00.000-07:00

it's time to start making myself happy,
not everyone else.

2009-07-11T12:14:00.000-07:00

no one's gonna love you more than i do.

no lies, just love.

2009-07-09T20:26:00.000-07:00

i don't always get the way you feel,
but now i've learned to live with that...
it's like i'm a part of something real.
and the sun sets the scene,
while the rain misses me.
all the time i'll be growing, growing up beside you.

i just got home from spending two weeks with vinnie in florida. leaving is so hard. coming home is just as hard, it feels so weird to be here after being gone for so long. i feel like it was a dramatic two weeks, not even so much between vinnie and i. i didn't realize there could be so much drama in a house full of boys. vinnie and i talked about a lot, and it felt good, and every day i just feel like our relationship is stronger and stronger, no matter what i say. it's usually out of anger. the distance is tough. other than seeing him, the other good thing that came out of it was a self esteem boost. i feel so much better than a lot of people i know. i feel like i'm ready to start my adult life now. i wanna work and go to school and save up and start a real life with him. i'm sick of other people interfering with OUR relationship. there's nothing i've been more sure about than vinnie, and us. i came home ready to get my shit together.

it was so much better to be picked up by my mom at the airport rather than a limo driver. it was nice coming home to my house, dark from the shades, penny and i lounging around and sleeping for hours. i got to see my friends tonight, kaitlin and i went to amanda and kim's new house. it's so cute and furnished so appropriately. i'm envious. i love them all.

i realized i'm not home a lot...i spent two weeks in florida, before that i was babysitting for four days. i start that up again on monday. being gone for days at a time is weird. i need to be a stronger babysitter. i need to not lose my temper and say mean things to my cousins. even with that coming up, i feel like the next few days are somewhat relaxing. i see anielle tomorrow, i'm going to the beach with my mom on saturday. i should see my dad before i go back to nannying. i should upload florida pictures.

i'm just gonna get in bed and fall asleep in my own bed for the first time in two weeks.

the new paolo nutini is so good too.

"i turn to you and inhale you where you lay. took a wander through the garden, to await the long long day, and then roll for a while on a violet flowerbed. oh you kiss my lips again and again and again. and then again, again.

we would watch the sun coming up easy, while the rain came tumbling down, and it washed our bodies so cleanly that we could see them rise up off of the cold cold ground.

it was in love i was created, and in love is how i hope i die."

i've never felt so strong.

2009-07-05T19:48:00.001-07:00

when you're not around, i hope somehow that you can feel me,
cause miles don't mean anything.

2009-07-03T13:57:00.000-07:00

and i will love to see that day, that day is mine when he will marry me outside with the willow trees, and play the songs we made. they made me so.
and i would love to see that day.

important.

2009-06-30T10:48:00.000-07:00

i don't care who you are, please join this facebook group: R.I.P. BRENDA REINA, YOU WILL BE MISSED.

i had known brenda since she was probably five years old, such a beautiful little girl. she grew up with my brother, two years younger than me. she just graduated high school on june 18th. she passed away on june 26th. granted, i was not close to her, i am still incredibly shaken up. this has hit very close to home, for all of us really. there is a memorial set up on rt. 22 going west, and not one day will go by that someone from our town doesn't see it. her family and friends have to deal with this now, something so shocking and heartbreaking.

please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

i want to sing.

2009-06-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

so we made our own computer out of macaroni pieces, and it did our thinking while we lived our lives. it counted up our feelings and divided them up even, and it called that calculation "Perfect Love." didn't even know that love was bigger. didn't even know that love was so, so, hey, hey, hey.

...saw our hearts were little stones, pulled them out they weren't beating and we weren't even bleeding as we lay them on the granite counter top. we beat them up against each other. we struck them hard against each other.

we struck them so hard, so hard until they sparked.

--regina.

2009-06-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

so sick of being tired
and so tired of being sick.

would you trust me with your children?

2009-06-19T19:23:00.000-07:00

voted most likely to end up on the back of a milk box drink, looks like i'm letting them down. cause seven seventy-five isn't worth an hour of my hard work and time, when you can't afford half the shit they advertise. i'm worth more than they ask, more than the toe-tag generation full of regrets. i won't settle. i can't settle.

i wanna break the mold, i wanna break the stereotype. fist in the air-- i'm not going down with out a fight. it's my life and i'm not sitting on the sidelines watching it pass me by. i'm leaving you my legacy. i gotta make my mark, i gotta run it hard. i want you to remember me. i'm leaving my fingerprints on you.

--katy perry.

today my aunt gave me a few things to consider for the upcoming months, but my entire family gave me reason to believe they are all entirely let down by me.

i leave the gas on, walk the allies in the dark. sleep with candles burning,
i leave the door unlocked. i'm weaving a rope and running all the red lights.
did i get your attention? (no formal education, and i swear way too much).

a poorly knit sweater.

2009-06-16T23:43:00.000-07:00

i think it's weird how you can trust someone with your entire life but you can't trust what they tell you about their last summer without you.

LET'S BE HONEST.

2009-06-15T19:47:00.001-07:00

i derailed.

everything is fucked.

2009-06-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

i didn't happen to "stumble upon" that music today.

i want to get out of new jersey so i don't have to think about the summer of 2008 this thoroughly again.

the past is the past, thank god.

fuck you and the future we don't have.

i'll never be your beast of burden.

2009-06-12T08:38:00.000-07:00

i'm going to document the last week of my life.

...it has sucked.

last friday, i felt so alone and disgusting. i did however manage to make it to kristyn's house, where we sat at her table and laughed our asses off at her parents and friend. saturday kaitlin and i had our garage sale, which wasn't a complete bust. although she did make twice the amount i did...that's fine. rachel and jon came, and it was good to see them. we rightfully treated ourselves to rita's afterward. i saw the hangover with nick and his friend kyle (who i apparently graduated with..?). it was awesome. i ate pizza, i got sick, the works. my brother had a party that night and i wanted to strangle every screaming giggling little bitch in my house. never again, mark my words. my mom came home from her wildwood trip on sunday. we went to the diner and ran some errands, watched a movie and i took a nap and went for a run. this old guy totally kicked my ass. i regret so much putting off running and working out. monday i did carmen electra's striptease work out, which i've had for no joke three years. i've finally used it. it was fun. laurel came over later, we watched jon and kate plus eight, and obsessed. not an hour after she left i got sick. my entire life came out of me. monday-thursday i was bed ridden, literally. i could not move. i was sobbing. i thought the whole stomach pain/"gastridous" was over. yet ANOTHER doctor, gave me new medicine and they seem to be working. my mom and i went to the bookstore, michaels and the diner (again) last night. i woke up at seven am today for some awful reason. i've been up since then.

(with me being sick, i have lacked in working out which i need the most, but i've done a lot of reading. meh.)

oh, i also quit my job. i'll be working for my aunt this summer. friday i'm taking the kids to keansburg waterpark. i'm excited. before the actual babysitting nanny adventure begins, i AM going to florida to see vinnie for his birthday. i'm leaving june 25th and coming home july 9th. a long time. i know. i really would like to move down there if this is legitmate for him. i've yet to be completely, 100% convinced. i hate, HATE, having to go through the rigamarole of telling people why my boyfriend picked up and moved to florida.

nonetheless, i do have a really good boyfriend along with really good friends. whenever i'm sick, laurel is at my side. for as long as i can remember. whenever i've gotten out of the hospital, or whatever the case may be, she's at my house within the hour. it's good to have dianne call me when i'm in agony, sadly we know each other's situations all too well. having the garage sale with kaitlin was a pick me up for me, she is really my best friend. i really just want the best for my friends and this week i feel like i was a shitty friend because all i really cared about was the burning and stinging in my stomach. but i'm okay now, i hope to god. i hope i can see them tonight and this weekend.

i don't give vinnie enough credit and that really does bother me. i'm sorry. i'm really, REALLY, the luckiest person alive because we're in love in spite of everything we've been through the last year. i love him, and i'm going to marry him. check my livejournals, i said that when i was sixteen too. you know.

WEIRD: my brother graduates high school next thursday. so crazy. cliche but, it DOES make me feel old. my brother totally lived the "high school experience". where as i just decided to get home schooled and mock my entire graduating class.

not much has changed for me there.

obviously things are still bothering me, and trust me i DEFINITELY can complain, so i'm not going to say i can't.

i can't stop listening to the rolling stones. this is my life?

2009-06-07T21:41:00.001-07:00

well who knows, who knows.
yeah i may come home.
yeah i may return.

and i know that we've still got time.

2009-06-06T18:11:00.000-07:00

20 days.

it's been so long.

2009-06-02T15:29:00.001-07:00

i'm sorry: two words i always think after you're gone and i realize i was acting all wrong. so selfish: two words that could describe actions of mine, when patience is short in supply.

we don't need to say goodbye. we don't need fight and cry. oh we could hold each other tight tonight.

it's been a long time since i've written and actual entry. first off, i am really glad it's june. june second, i don't even know how i made it through the winter. i finished school. the dance show went well. i left for florida the next day. i didn't want to leave. i don't even want to be home anymore.

a list:
- i need a new job. i'm sick of getting verbally attacked almost every day by middle aged women. my paychecks suck, and they pretty much only put gas in my car in which i use to get to my shitty job.
- but, with that being said i'm nanny-ing for my aunt july/august.
- i'm looking forward to seeing vinnie for his birthday. the distance gets so unbareable.
- i love penny more and more every day, and i don't know what i'd ever do without her.
- i can't focus on anything.
- i would like to not be so crazy anymore.

seriously.

10:17//

a sailors mouth: that's how mine and vinnie's first kiss was.
AHOYMONSTER: that means we're in love.

2009-06-01T19:28:00.001-07:00

i'm trying really hard not to hurt myself.

or anyone else for that matter.

dismantle me.

2009-05-31T16:27:00.000-07:00

i've come to realize you're the only thing i want.

...since the grass doesn't mind in the least.

2009-05-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

maybe i'll make friends someday

with the cows and the hens in the rambouillet...
but for now, i'll keep away.
i got nothing smart to say.

2009-05-27T13:31:00.000-07:00

SO FRUSTRATED.
i just want vinnie.

all i really wanted was you.

2009-05-24T00:09:00.000-07:00

i wanna be your lover.
i wanna be your girl.
i want you to understand.
and i wanna open your door, and love you til you're sore.
i wanna be your thing, your anything, your everything.

i wanna be your pear tree, i want you to climb all over me.
climb right on top me, lay it on me.

just let me do my thing until you start to sing.
i'm going down on ya all night long. i'm gonna build a bond,
i'm pullin' out my wand, feels so right it can't be wrong!

i wanna be your lover baby, i wanna be your girl.
blow a kiss and change the world, yeah.

we're gonna make it through. you got me and i got you.
your bleedin' heart's at my command.

--devendra banhart.

2009-05-22T20:45:00.000-07:00

"remember when you said, 'meet me in dreamland'?"
"yes."
"can we meet there tonight?"
"yes we can."
"okay well, i'll probably be there later than you, but i'll be there."
"okay, i'll be by the docks."

2009-05-21T21:12:00.000-07:00

no one here to believe but you.

everyone else is bound
to leave but you.

2009-05-19T19:45:00.001-07:00

i am so in love.

all i needed.

2009-05-13T08:43:00.001-07:00

may 7th.

2009-05-07T21:12:00.000-07:00

look what i've become.

2009-05-04T20:18:00.000-07:00

2009-05-03T12:01:00.000-07:00

ex-ist-ence:
–noun

1. the state or fact of existing; being.
2. continuance in being or life; life: a struggle for existence.
3. mode of existing: They were working for a better existence.
4. all that exists: Existence shows a universal order.
5. something that exists; entity; being.

a specific presence.

2009-04-30T20:54:00.001-07:00

i'm not the person that i used to be.

happy anniversary.

2009-04-28T15:10:00.000-07:00

don't you worry, boy. it's a waste of time.
place your hand in mine, untie your mind.
we'll just float away into the day...
you're not the only one who thinks they're falling love.
you must be patient, they will realize what i see inside.
you were meant to lead this world to greater things,
it's your destiny.

everything seems to fade when i see his face.
the sun and stars turn in every time i look at him.
nobody understood me til his eyes fixed upon me.
my puzzle life's complete now that i found the missing piece.

take a long drive with me.

2009-04-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

and i am nothing of a builder,

but here i dreamt i was an architect.
and i built this balustrade
to keep you home, to keep you safe
from the outside world.

and just to lay with you,
there's nothing that i wouldn't do.

90 degrees.

2009-04-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

night/day.

2009-04-25T23:38:00.000-07:00

you know whenever i try i want to get it right,

but i distract my focus and blur my own sight.
there are things about me i just can't ignore,
i know i want to change and i see that door
on the other side.

i've been putting off this purification a rebirth
and a regeneration inside of me.
and i've been saying "no" for far too long.

tonight i drove passed my old house. i spent 12 years there, in the big house with cathedral ceilings. i spent ten years with my parents, being a family no matter how unstable we may have become. but now i watched the lights inside it, and i saw the bare walls and remembered the picture we had above our couch and the wall unit full of pictures, the green arm chair where we took christmas pictures. but it's gone now, the house may as well not exist.

after that i found myself in front of my first boyfriend's house. it's dark at 11:30 pm. he kissed me on the couch before i went on vacation. he broke up with me soon after. for some reason my heart raced when he kissed me, but i've had so much better. i felt like he cared about me. but i was thirteen and naive. no one really cares when you're thirteen.

when vinnie first kissed me my heart stopped all together. i lost my breath. just like every movie. but i'd like to think of it like the little mermaid in particular. the awkward lighting and equally awkward movements we made to get to the point of touching made the kiss so much better than anything i ever felt. being sixteen was so easy but you never think about that when you're sixteen. through the eating disorders and depression... i didn't mind.

things i know right now:
-he doesn't have my picture as the wallpaper on his phone or computer.
...i have his picture set as both.
-i am having major trust issues.
-i cannot control my emotions whatsoever as of late.
-today the heat tired me out. today was a long day.
-i alternate between dying to see him and wanting to return my tickets completely.
-maybe my friends getting home from school isn't the answer.

i will most likely not have an answer or a concrete emotion. ever.

i don't think i give a shit. i think that's the problem.

reckless.

2009-04-24T00:11:00.000-07:00

i'm disgusted by everything in my life right now, with the exception of penny. everyone else can fuck themselves. i hate you, and your friends and your friend's friends. everyone can back the fuck off for once.

i honestly feel sick right now.

i LOVE getting to the point where i don't give a shit about anything including myself.

it's so liberating.

look how low i've sunk.

2009-04-22T20:24:00.001-07:00

today i'll crawl out of bed
i can't stand your shadow is too heavy to lift
maybe we'll go for a ride
you said you'd take me nowhere
i said that suits me just fine
i know you've always been near
whispering secrets i know i'm not supposed to hear
hold your heart with two hands
give it to me only to disappear
look how low i've sunk
don't ask me to rise
i'll only lose you when i'm high
all alone in the dark
love survives only when we are apart
your voice still sounds in my ears
soft explosions that blossom with the beat of my heart

-azure ray.

you slept the entire way home.

2009-04-20T19:22:00.000-07:00

i was alone, so i set a fire and waste it all on you. you were a sea i can hardly remember and i knew it'd be over soon. if i was a tree, i knew you couldn't take it on a sunday afternoon. we were a bridge on top of bodied water with something left inside of you.

what is the price to be a bargain beggar? so lonely, but always free. what did you mean when you said it's destructive, and you sank yourself right into me. i know you think you know, but you probably don't.

-----------------------------

you're always so late.

gettin' my shit together.

2009-04-19T20:04:00.001-07:00

the last few days have been so very accomplishing. friday i worked, and then exercised and shopped with nicole. saturday i opened work and closed, ate a delicious chicken sandwich, took a nap, tanned and ran two miles. today i ran a mile and saw my dad and lisa for the first time in a while. i feel good. dare i say happy? yes i think so. i miss vinnie so so much, but the way i'm looking at it now is at least we are together, and he's mine. i will be seeing him in a few weeks. i'm so ready, and so ready for my dance show and for the semester to END.

i don't have much to say i guess. i'm embracing my alone time since there's so much of it. i'm enjoying seeing kristyn at least three times a week. i like being with my mom and penny and i like talking to vinnie on the phone through out the day and then forever before bed.

but i miss him more and more every day. the better things are between us, the more i miss him.

i'm coping. pretty well i think.
i can't wait for anielle and laurel to come home.

2009-04-16T19:03:00.000-07:00

a sailors mouth: are you there dudeski.
AHOYMONSTER: yah brah.
AHOYMONSTER: i mean, fashion fag.

the glory of love.

2009-04-14T19:50:00.000-07:00

when i watch you, wanna do you, right where you're standing.
right on the foyer on this dark day
right in plain view of the whole ghetto,
the boot stomped meadows, but we ignore that.
you're lovely baby, this war is crazy!
i won't let you down.

and when our city, vast and shitty, falls to the axis.
they'll search the buildings, collect gold fillings, wallets and rings.
but you'd look finer with each day in hiding.
beneath the worm wood, oh love me so good!
they won't hear us screw away the day.
i'll make you say: "alive alive! alive with love tonight!"

should they catch us and dispatch us
to those separate work camps--
i'll dream about you, i will not doubt you with the passing of time.
should they kill me your love will fill me as warm as the bullets.
i'll know my purpose, this war was worth this.
i won't let you down.
no i won't, no i won't, no i won't.

hell no.

ATTENTION MALES!

2009-04-12T15:50:00.000-07:00

"if i was to tell you just how much i need you, would you come tonight? or would you not believe me cause a love that easy never turns out right. i'm trying to change the rules you deserve something good in your life. we've waited for far too long so come get your blessings tonight baby. won't you come over, love? so i can show you love. promise i got enough to give you all that you need, baby. so many search to find love that's as good as mine. i will not waste your time, so bring it all to me baby. baby let me teach you, give you love instruction, show you what i know. we should take it easy, ain't no need to rush, no baby nice and slow. all this love i can give to you, i expect just a bit in return. you don't have to be perfect love, as long as you're willing to learn, baby."

this is for every boy out there, every boyfriend or just a smitten boy. obviously not many of you are too keen on a girl's wants and needs so i guess you need to be told by a lady herself.

i'm going to try to be as clear and thorough as possible to help you gentlemen out.

1. when a girl tells you NOT to call her, she most likely, 90% of the time WANTS YOU TO CALL. this one bothers me the most because boys in relationships especially are supposed to know this already. it's code for call me, it's just a girl being a bitch and trying to put you in your place. it's like we're saying "i hope you realize you're being enough of a dick that i'd bring up not talking to you because of it."

2. you should always reply to our text messages, whether you are busy or sleepy or the like. we take the time for you, always. it's okay to text us if you think we may be sleeping. if we're going to be woken up, we want it to be by you. when you don't answer us, we will only get mad or upset and it will not make you feel good in the end. your mistakes bare consequences you should already know about.

3. we like to hear nice things. it shouldn't be hard or "weird" for you think of something on the spot. if you love us enough you should feel good about showing us. loving someone in theory is definitely not enough. you could tell me you love me til you're blue in the face, but if you can't show it becomes futile.

4. if something is really bothering you DON'T BOTTLE IT UP. i feel like every guy has some kind of problem sharing true feelings or emotions or even thoughts. say what you mean and please mean what you say. it's especially frustrating for girls when we're spilling our guts all over over the place and you don't know what to say. it's hard to believe you when you say "i don't know" in response to something because it's so ridiculous for you NOT to know something about our relationship. you do know, so just tell us.

5. even if we're fighting, you shouldn't call us bitches or tell us to "shut the fuck up". it's disrespectful to do that. we don't tell you to shut up because we actually would like to hear what you have to say.

6. with that being said, when we're telling you how we feel, the least you could do is respect it even if you don't agree with it. the least we could do is agree to disagree but still put the thoughts on the table.

7. please don't expect a lady to put up with your (sometimes immature) bullshit. you know what pushes our buttons. don't push them just for fun.

8. LAY THE LAW DOWN WITH YOUR FRIENDS. your friends have no business in a relationship and shouldn't pass any judgments. you should also man up and tell them to stay the fuck out. no one should have to speak for you, especially in the relationship department. it's a very personal and intimate thing, and your bros have no idea what it's like, whether they are in a relationship or not. it's different for everyone. a girl shouldn't have to defend herself to your dudes. "bros before hoes" doesn't slide at all. your girl should be the most important thing in your life. sometimes your actions speak louder than words in this department. you may say that we're the most important, but if you can't back that up then that too is also fruitless.

9. excuses are a dime a dozen from everyone else. we do not need them from you. just be honest. most of the time it's the fact that you're searching for an excuse that makes us angry rather than the actual story upsetting us. honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship and you should be able to tell us anything. especially when we tell you EVERYTHING.

10. if someone calls us pretty or cute on an internet networking website, GET OVER IT. quickly. it's the internet which isn't the real world. TRUST US. we wouldn't be with you if we wanted someone else. it hurts us when you think we'd choose someone over you. LET US LOVE YOU.

i wouldn't lie to you boys, this is important.
and possibly unfinished.

2009-04-11T19:54:00.000-07:00

i keep staring at the same picture and then i flip it over cause i don't want to stare at it anymore. i'll flip it back over tomorrow when i can stomach you again.

so tell me now, cause i won't ask again...

2009-04-09T22:12:00.000-07:00

will you still love me tomorrow?

i'll never be happy again.

2009-04-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

the weather's getting better by the hour,

i hope it rains there all the time.
and if you ever said you missed me
then don't say you never lied.

the things i've been saying are so offensive and just plain mean that i can't believe they're actually coming out of my mouth. all i want to do is fight. i'm so angry all the time. i have given so many backhanded compliments in the last 48 hours, but when i'm so mad and resentful it's hard to give a shit about who i'm offending. they say you always hurt the ones you love, and i am most definitely doing a good job at that, but so are you. at least i realize what i'm doing, and what i'm capable of doing. you still have no fucking idea. i wish i wasn't a bitch, but clearly that has already spirled out of control.

i wish i wasn't lying when i said i was over the bullshit, because i'm not. my emotions are getting the best of me, which isn't anything new but still sucks nonetheless. i don't know what it's going to take to get through to you seeing as how you have an excuse for everything. you keep trying to bullshit me, to distract me, but it's not working. i may not be over it, but that doesn't mean i can't see straight through it.

i'm a bitch because i keep feeling hurt and it's my only defense. i can't stop it, i can't control it.

BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. EVER.

absence makes the heart grow fonder.

2009-04-06T19:29:00.000-07:00

but i'm just a bitch.

505.

2009-04-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

i've lost my head to a boy
the only one in my world, shining bright in my sky.
making sure i ain't cryin' or layin' down and dying.

--as tall as lions.

and you clutched kicking heels.

2009-04-02T19:32:00.000-07:00

i need you here tonight just like the ocean needs the waves.
fall around me now, like stars that shine and brighten the way.

i need you here tonight
just like this night it needs the rain.

i'm so glad i'm an island now.

2009-03-30T19:12:00.000-07:00

nothing's real and nothing lasts, and i'm aware.
i'm in love, but you don't care.

there's no way out.
the only way out is to give in.

and that is that.

2009-03-29T19:12:00.000-07:00

GET REAL.

2009-03-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

i can't know i'm alone if i am not awake.

help, i'm alive.

2009-03-25T12:19:00.000-07:00

did they tell you, you should grow up when you wanted to dream?
did they warn you, better shape up if you want to succeed?
i don't know about you, who are they talking to?
they aren't talking to me.

did i ask you for attention, when affection is what i need.
thinking sorrow is perfection, i'd wallow 'til you told me.
there's no glitter in the gutter,
there's no twilight galaxy.

so much has happened. things are still happening. most things i can't handle and it's stressing me out so much. i've had the same pain in my chest for over a week and not to mention that stomach ache i've had for over a month now. my hair is so dirty but i have no energy to wash it. i haven't been to school since last tuesday. i'm missing the most important days of dance because we're learning our routine for the show in may. i NEED may. i need a roadtrip with my best friends to see my boyfriend. i need warm weather. i need i need i need. i need him.

i can feel it in my bones, gimme sympathy.
after all this time is gone, who would you rather be?
the beatles or the rolling stones?
oh seriously, you're gonna make mistakes, you're young.
come on baby, play me something, like "here comes the sun".

edit 11pm.
i noticed my legs are too beat up to be a model. my arms too. not that i'd be a model. not that anyone would want me to be a model. just putting it out there. i broke down when i went to see jimmy for his birthday. he gave ME a 20 dollar bill. on HIS birthday. because i have no job and no money and i can barely put gas in my car. and i hate school. i don't know what to do. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. about anything. about myself, my sickness, florida and the constant thoughts that haunt me. i need someone to sit me down and tell me exactly what to do. just tell me what to do.

and it's "later" and i haven't gotten a phone call. it's past "later". no text either. no reply to my "i'm breaking down" text. real comforting. THANKS.

on a lighter note, new metric is beautiful. but that's expected. emily haines just started following me on twitter and that made me happy.

"i'm with stupid. money is a sick muse.
pull your little arrows out and let me live my life.
you said, 'look at me', i looked away.
and you wrote the song i wanna play,
i'll write you harmony in C."

today was a waste.

the city has sex.

2009-03-17T20:06:00.000-07:00

the moon and the sun do too.

.....i've seen it.

there's a pattern in the system.

2009-03-15T18:04:00.000-07:00

i have bags under my eyes.
i've been sleeping naked.
i'm still sick.
i'm always crying.
i dyed my hair back to brown.
i listen to emily haines religiously.

and i'm afraid he doesn't love me like he says.
always afraid.

but...
"im part of you. right down into the core of you. you are never alone. never going to be alone. if you cry, i will. if you scream, i will. if you are, i am"

sundaydeadlines: dude BOYS ARE OUT OF THEIR MINDS WTF.

love this bitch.

one of us will die inside these arms.

2009-03-14T08:53:00.000-07:00

traded your bucket and bruises for a bag of bones and a wardrobe of excuses.

you live too hard, you look too good.

beautiful boy, what can i do? i told you, i told you.
beautiful boy, i know i never do what i want to, i want to...

oh sweet Jesus, isn't this enough?

you don't know that the scrapes and scratches on my stomach and ribs are so bad. you don't know that they're so bad i can't wear clothes to bed. so i thought of you when i was naked last night. i wrapped myself in a sheet and pulled the cord from the wall so the lights would go out. i stopped waiting for your reply, but i started thinking about myself and my skin and my brain and why i think the things that i do. i should have kept my mouth shut, i should have let the phone ring and ring like you always do. i should have put you in my place, i should have had you worrying. but you would not worry. you don't care like i care. you don't love me like i love you. it's either that, or you just don't love me at all.

i should never be second best. i should never be second best to my mother, or my father or my best friend. and i should not be your second best. but i guess i could be third, maybe fourth to you. at this point, i feel like you'd defend a murderer before you'd defend me, before you'd even hear me out. the emotional and physical stresses i was handed this week must be a cruel joke. do you really not have any idea what you do to me? do you really not have any idea what a hospital stay can do to me? do you not know me at all? i've only ever asked for one thing and even after all this time, you still don't get it. and then i look like the bad guy. to all your friends, to all the bystanders.

you don't even read this. it's all bullshit anyway. "i want to be the girl with the most cake. i love him so much it just turns to hate. i fake it so real i am beyond fake. and someday, you will ache like i ache."

pretend it's alright, and stay in for the night.

2009-03-11T18:47:00.000-07:00

they've got me on the outside looking in, but i can't see at all. with the weight of the world on my shoulders, they just wanna see me fall. have faith in me. i said i'd never let you go, and i never did. i said i'd never let you fall and i always meant it. if you didn't have this chance then i never did. you'll always find me right there, again.

yesterday i was in the hospital. there were complications with an endoscopy i got on monday. i ended up being hooked up to an IV with pain killers and what not. i got an x-ray and a ct scan. it showed a cyst on my ovary and a benign spot on my liver. plus whatever the endoscopy did to my esophagus. this is NOT what i needed. i didn't need this on top of everything else i'm feeling... on top of my boyfriend leaving the state, on top of feeling so incredibly small and unimportant. it sucks. i can't catch a break. i don't ever feel well. i was saying to my mom that i'm twenty years old and should be feeling good, i should be having a good time. i'm not. i'm always sick. never happy.

on top of things, this is MY spring break and it's pretty horrible. i'm sick, i just got out of the hospital, vinnie's gone. and i know for sure he can't even fathom how hard all of this is for me. fuck me, right?

when we stop my hands will shake, my eyes will burn, my throat will ache, watching you turn from me towards your friends.

03/07/09.

2009-03-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

you're the only one i would take a shot on.

wherever.

2009-03-05T20:27:00.000-08:00

a sailors mouth: pick another number too.
ohanielle: uhm.
ohanielle: 28.
ohanielle: psh.
a sailors mouth: bitch.
a sailors mouth: hahahah.
ohanielle: hahaha.

i sat in my bathtub shaving my legs before, thinking about whatever i could, and then elaborating on those random thoughts. (names of news anchors, my dogs chest rising and falling, the knots in my hair, etc) all while avoiding the old cuts but most likely making new ones. i started to feel insecure and unsettled. maybe because the water was getting cold, or because i still feel like my entire life is up in the air. he's with me, he loves me. he wants me. but i still feel scared. i should be happy, but i'm only completely happy when we're laying together under the covers. soon that will be ripped away from me just like he will be. but he's still mine. and it'll work because it always does.
"we've got what it takes to keep it together and move on."

submission for my writing class.

2009-03-03T00:52:00.000-08:00

my hair has never been this dry.

i am doll parts. knotty hair like the doll you don't care about anymore, tucked somewhere under your bed. green doll eyes that you envy because yours are just brown. old doll nails cause the polish is starting to chip. doll arms with bruises and scars, where'd i get those anyway? doll parts, and a doll heart. always giving, but never beating. i just wanna lay in your bed like i used to, close to your head cause i was your baby doll. clean clothes and lavish hair, i was envied by the rest of them. i'd look at them down there, toiling with their odds and ends. they never made it up to the bed like i did. but now i'm shoved under there with the rest of them, dusty and out of date. before you said goodbye, i tried to tell you, "you forgot to brush my hair! you forgot to change my clothes! you forgot to tie my shoes!" but you just carried me away. i never learned how to do those things because you always did them for me. i was the baby doll remember? it's different under the bed. there are missing parts and there are springs and shoelaces and underwear you probably don't remember losing. your old roller skates sit against what used to be my box of clothes. my box, with my clothes inside it. i don't want the roller skates messing it up! i know you'll be back, maybe this is temporary. i found an old comb and tried to pull it down my hair. i tried mimicking your movements but it didn't feel as nice. you were always so gentle, i guess cause i was a baby. the other dolls laughed at my when i tried to find my other shoe. i guess it flew off when you were sticking me under there. i told you it needed to be tied! i hide because i don't want them to see me. they don't know me. they never got to the bed. sure, we played with them sometimes... (remember when we played with them that time with your neighbor? i think she liked them more than we did.) but now theyre propped against another box. they look tired and worn, more like rag dolls now. well at least i won't look like that, cause you're coming back!

it got colder under the bed at night. it gets kind of scary too. no matter how wide i open my eyes it's still so hard to see. i found an old sock i could lay with but it's not enough. it's not the same. it doesnt smell like you or even your pillow. no one's holding me now. it's almost like i forgot how to sleep. i'll try one eye at a time... but that doesnt work. i'll try imagining the bed... the white pillowcases and the pink flowers embroidered so nice on the edges... the matching pink sheets with the fluffy white comforter... the sparkly lights on the headboard. i'll try imagining the room... pale walls with all your shiney medels and all your school projects. those were my favorites. i loved our room and i loved when mom came in to kiss us both goodnight. these were all the things i thought of, but all these things made me sad. i miss you. but i'm just doll parts, with a doll heart. always giving, never beating. (but i'm going to try to make it beat for you, beat hard for you.) i know you're coming back.

it means a lot to me.

2009-03-02T10:35:00.000-08:00

yeah you want it, but i can't help it, i just feel complete when you're by my side.

i'm not some girl you can sway.

orlando is 1058 miles from my house, but you told me you loved me last night and i cried. it's been a year since i've heard those words come from that mouth. the only mouth that ever has to say them to me. i can't live without you in my life. i can't go through that again. and even though florida is far, your voice will be enough and i will be with you soon enough.

six years.

our lives were one.

2009-02-24T20:03:00.000-08:00

last night i had a dream about my baby.
he was small and had dark hair and i held him so close to my chest as i carried him through the woods. and he was all mine.

you were in it too.

2009-02-19T21:36:00.000-08:00

my chest is aching and throbbing.

happy valentine's day, fuckers.

2009-02-14T07:54:00.000-08:00

last night i spent an hour in a park with danielle playing on swings and talking shit and laughing and freezing my ass off. we drank coffee and met danny for more coffee sometime after midnight. we sat in his car and listened to music and tried to figure out what songs we'd sing. i told danny that everything in my life right now seems wrong. everything. like i'm living someone else's life. this isn't me. this isn't how things are supposed to happen for me. danielle said we look sixteen in that picture. i wish i was sixteen because ironically, that's when everything seemed right in my life. at such a troublesome teenage year, everything felt right. i felt at home with eating disorders and failing grades because i had the most amazing boyfriend and the tightest group of friends and a warm bed and cool parents. that's all that matters, especially when you're sixteen. even seventeen. going on home instruction was a blessing and with it came sincere happiness. the first time i felt genuine happiness in a long time was here. it was a sunday. it was in may 2006. i've obviously been happy since then, but that marked a turning point. i can tell you exactly what it's been keeping me on and off from happiness for the last six years. anyway, EVERYTHING IS WRONG.

i finally went to sleep sometime around 5:30-6:00AM this morning and woke up at 10. i was too anxious to sleep. this shitty fucking hallmark holiday... i know already i put too much effort into it. (ie the curlors in my hair, the valentines i made, the mix and cleaning my room etc etc).

i never have anything to say.
what the fuck am i doing with myself.

valentines mix 2009.

2009-02-08T22:36:00.000-08:00

1. we don't have to take our clothes off - jermaine stewart.
2. monkey!!! knife!!! fight!!! - minus the bear.
3. i touch myself - blondie.
4. wildcat - ratatat.
5. the power of love - huey luis and the news.
6. this ain't a surfin' movie - minus the bear.
7. love is a battlefield - pat benetar.
8. sex on fire - kings of leon.
9. let's get it on - marvin gaye.
10. sex and candy - marcy playground.
11. like a virgin - madonna.
12. crash into me - dave matthews band.
13. just like heaven - the cure.
14. electric feel - mgmt.
15. i would walk 500 miles - the proclaimers.
16. roll right over - eye alaska.
17. babe, we're gonna love tonight - lime.
18. your love is lifting me higher - jackie wilson.

sexy?

and it's all the treasures that shine in the street as we drive right over them.

2009-02-06T15:39:00.000-08:00

and it's all the mornings we missed for sleep as the sun glides over our apartment.

every day i ask myself what i'm doing. i have no idea. i feel like i always have so much to do but never do anything of importance. i'd rather lay in bed. i'd rather waste all the gas in my car. i'd rather get kicked out of class rather than withdrawl. i'd rather ruin my knees than sit out of dance. i'd rather skip class than do my homework. i'd rather spend every night with him than sleep in my own bed. it's all relative. but it's not.

as much as i hate the winter i really haven't noticed the cold that much this year. i notice it when it's bitter and hurts, but otherwise i don't give a shit. i do wish it was spring already though. not summer yet, spring. because i want to enjoy the warmth and i want it to last. i can't wait to see the ocean again, and listen to minus the bear while driving twenty over the speed limit down the parkway and lay in the sand and soak up sun and stay out late and wear sundresses. i really do hate the winter.

WHATEVER.

"you should climb down off your rugged cross and lay with me."