i really miss what did exisit.

i feel like all i am capable of right now is writing down every song lyric that reminds me of the past; people who were in it, surroundings that i loved, places that felt like home, real warmth, long drives and not being as cold and tired all the time.

part of me feels like things are falling apart and another part of me feels like they are falling into place. maybe it's that i just don't like the place they are falling to. it's different and i realized recently that i don't deal with change well. people always ask other people that, like oh how do you deal with change. i think i used to say well. but now i know i don't, and i never did. i hate change actually. i hate the change of season, i hated high school but now i hate college. i hate not having my best friend here constantly, i hate that i have not failed to fuck most things in my life up and when i say "i'm over it," i'm not entirely sure if i mean it. i hate that everything between us seems to be crumbling and all i want to do is fix it but i've hit a wall... run out of solutions. i have changed so much myself and it's scaring the shit out of me because with the change came the change of the most important thing in my life... and it's for the worse, and it hurts so much. our past is what is keeping us together. i'm not ready to let go yet, but if it's like this now... when will it get better? when is it time to let go? i hate not knowing what to do. or what i am feeling. or what i'm doing. i feel as if i have no direction. where am i going? what am i doing? i don't even know if i'm goin to finish this semester. where did all the drive in my life go? i hope that i look at this in a few months and feel the complete opposite.