i'm just a lady who doesn't know her ways and never will.

and so the official spice isle savings begins. as well as me pretending to know what the fuck is up. i'm just like everyone else. i'm followed by the fear of being alive. money, education, a career, the cost of fuel, future debt, vast expenses, broken levees, poisoned apples, the now flickering light at the end of the tunnel, etc etc.

there's always that grinding in my gut which forces me to reevaluate every turn i make. pros, cons, whatever. everything is pretty much a negative at this point. what i thought was right proved to be wrong. but that's not even a surprise to me. the most shocking idea is that i haven't fixed anything yet. i am usually on top of that. if it the problem wasn't solved by my own brilliant ideas, it was the ideas that the brilliant pills fixated into my brain. there was always a way out; always that magic potion, always the churning thoughts.

now, not so much...

i've spent too much time being a victim and i don't even know how to shake it. i wish i could remember who i was two years ago, full of problems which seemed to have had easy solutions. so if being over medicated is wrong, then i don't want to be right. those internal conflicts were fleeting, as is my happiness. who am i now, passing out alone at 7:30 in the morning? who am i, trying to fall back into old habits? i am no one. i'm losing my mind trying to keep up with everything. i don't have time to sink into a depression but it seems so inviting right now-- sleeping all the time so i don't have to deal with looking like a fool. because that's what i've become. i seemed to have lost the ability to shut the fuck up for a second and not complain about everything and everyone. i lost the security blanket that i slept with and leaned on.

but it was more than just that. i lost a piece of myself. you selfish fucks, you don't even come close to understanding.




"ten bucks says you don't have it in you to conquer fear and quit believing what they tell you to. you are careening shamelessly into oblivion. you will live alone with your chemicals and gin. i am utterly disgusted with the path you trek. i am at a loss for words here, i hate to break this to you, but being a coward is not a legitimate career. atleast i'm not a liar, atleast i'm not a cheat. atleast i don't care what these goddamn mindless people think of me."