i'm gonna let you down, gonna toss you around, gonna make you want everything you haven't found. i'm gonna hold your hand then ask you stand ten feet away. oh it's just like you said, i live in my head. i'm saving up all that i have til i'm dead. it's always the same and never the same way. but if you don't want me though, i'll only want you more. i fall in love with hard to get. you know you're just like me: a mystery with nothing more to see. a virtual reality. i'm in a love affair without a love song. i'm in the habit of having what i don't want. i'm just a hologram. you can see but don't touch me baby. oh i bet you want me now. i'm taking up space, i'm right out of place. i'm holding a half hearted smile to your face. it's pretty enough but watch out, it fades away. time is ticking so fast, does anything last? soon i will be just a part of your past. i'll leave you with this: you hold on in blissful memories. now that you can see, i'm not not not what you make of me.
to say that i'm over you isn't right yet either. i was finefinefine and then had two horrendous dreams and now i want our life again. but that feeling is pushed into the back of my mind because i can't stop shaking and i can't eat and i can't sleep without having a nightmare. and every other word out of her mouth is "hospital" "wait" or "did you eat today." and i've had it. boys, and people in general, don't like girls with baggage, no matter how pretty the girl is. and all i want is a boy with some kind of baggage so we can talk and talk and not feel awkward and fix each other like robots. but at the same time i want him back telling me to breathe with him when i can't seem to find my breath.
well, whatever: no matter which way you go, no matter which way you stay, you're out of my mind.
i'm not unhappy and i'm not happy. i am apathetic and empty and i don't know what's going to happen and i kind of don't give a shit. i wasted five years on my life with something i should have known was a waste. wastewastewaste. story of my life, it seems. but everyone thinks things will get better in time. i'm typing all of this after i took three xanax. i think it was three but i honestly don't remember. i'm not complaining. i'm whatever. whatever whatever, THAT is the story of my life. right now atleast. thank you, thank you. i'm glad you used me for three years just to forget about me over night. let's make a deal: you go and you go and you go and you fuck some girls who doesn't have anything but shitty taste in everything. who have no idea right from wrong. who have no self respect. who are only out for blood. who will slide their hands up your legs and you let them because you gave away your back bone for... well i don't know what for because i don't know you anymore and come to think of it, i guess i never did. you let this girl because you feel bad and you never know what to do. you kiss her but stop because you feel like you should respect her. well what about respecting me? you let her touch you because you're insecure. she can push her tongue down your throat and you can forget about me. she'll grab you all over and bite and nip and you'll forget about life. and it's just like that girl who said, "who will love me now?" you two have more in common than you think--- no home. no love. no truth in your life. no spine left. more reckless than myself. and that says a lot.
because two nights ago i had a dream about all my ex boyfriends. all of them were in a huge fish tank with no water. just themselves. i climbed up a ladder to look in at them and i was completely disgusted and i started screaming at them. one screamed back. i don't know who. no one was wearing a shirt. my dreams have been reality lately so maybe one day i'll find every single one of them together, devoting time to sabotage. i wonder if you believe everything they say. (don't call me when you're fucked up. don't try to take my clothes off. don't try to touch me there. don't try to fuck me. keep your hands where they belong. and PLEASE, stop trying to pretend you did nothing wrong.) i want my stuff back. i want my stuff back. i want the designs, artwork, poems and notes. i want my moon stuff. i want the moon to be mine again. i want to drown in minus the bear without crying myself asleep. i want it all back. give it back to me. most importantly, i want the TRUTH. i want god's honest truth. i want you to tell me about how you were done with me long before you said anything at all. rather, before i said anything. i want the truth you were keeping for as long as i've known you. i want to tell you what you may not know. you run and run and run and still haven't gotten anywhere.
the last two weeks have been good. i was happy. i was over medicated and starving but i was happy. i made friends who i talk to every day. i made friends who think highly of me because i'm not a slut. because i don't drink til i'm drunk. because i sing. because i have a brain. then i had two bad dreams and i just want to forget about everything good that's happened. typical me. i just want school to start so im not sitting home, or driving around aimlessly. i want to drive to boston for a few days. for good, i want the craziness to go away.
well yours is a common name, and i hear it all the time. it could belong to anyone, but it could never be mine. i am tired. i am through. when i love i will love so hard. is it that my heart beats too loud? is it that i did not bid it, come down your way about etiquette. you hold the door but you won't let me in. i could tell in the way he did not kiss back.
i was just thinking abou that time after we broke up and you said you loved me. "force of habit." hah. well habits rule my waking life. i'm scared and i'm running in my sleep for you. you're no where to be found. you copped out. and now again-- and now you're just like him, in so many ways. you both ran from us. you ran from adulthood. i'm right here. WE'RE right here. who the fuck are you now anyway?
remember that time, (remember remember remember) when we stayed up all night and matress was always on the floor and we cried when we danced? and that time when i was rushed to the er and you were there? and the times im pushing away, almost as how much you've forgotten them completely.
i'd run away, but i'd be just as bad as every single one of you.
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