that eagle eyed cherry song was popular when my nana was dying. i had just turned ten right before she died, and i still remember that song being played over and over on the radio, especially while we drove back and forth to the hospital to visit her. i know the song is about a girl, and i knew it then too, but it still reminds me of her because it's about someone leaving. "save tonight, and fight the break of dawn. come tomorrow i'll be gone." i keep the song on my ipod for this reason. the older i get, the harder it is to remember certain things about her and our time together. for example, i used to remember the messages she left on our answering machine: the sound of her voice, the way she said goodbye. but now i don't hear it, i just remember that it was infact something that happened. there's stories i still tell about her, a lot of the time actually. there isn't one day that goes by that i don't think about her. but ten years is a long time, theres that ten year gap where memories, like objects, get lost. the night she died, i fell asleep on the couch then spent the night with my mom in her bed because my dad staying in the living room. i had nightmares about her dying, about God and Jesus, and about life and death in general. that is something i DO remember. i don't know why i remember that, and part of me wishes i didn't because it still scares me to think about it. she died in an awful way and even though i didn't see it, i replayed a scenerio that my ten year old mind made up from hearing what my mom and uncle were saying. i cried one night and my dad was indifferent about the whole thing, and being immature, and tried to make a joke out of me practically weeping. i DO remember that too. this may be an instance of when my resentment toward him began.
ever since she died, i have had a reoccuring dream about her. it's very simple, and very quick and nothing ever changes about it. sure, i have other dreams about her... but this one is the only one that keeps coming back. she is in it, her sister who died several months before her (my great aunt mary) my brother, and me. we are all getting on an elevator in what looks like a hospital. the door closes and that's it. i don't know what it means and i'm sure if i look it up the significance won't coincide with the events which led up to the dream. in all the dreams i have had about my nana, i don't speak to her. even in my dreams i am afraid to speak. i once told my mom that if i were to see her now, i feel that i would be awkward and nervous, like i were meeting a new person; a person i held on such a pedistal.
the reason i am writing this is because two nights ago i had a dream about her for the first time in a very long time, and it wasn't anything involving an elevator. there was no evidence of her in the beginning of my dream. i was at a water park with my brother, father and step mom. (which is weird in itself because my brother doesn't speak to them anymore). for some reason, the tube we had to slide down on had sharp things on it so i decided to take it back down to where we got them from. i was wading in water with a few other people and we came up to a hut type building. it looked like it was something where the employees of this water park worked, watched and attended to the guests of the park. while passing it, i saw my nana in it. she was happy, smiling and laughing. i said "hi nana!" and she said hi to me. i asked her how she was and she said she was good. and that is it. that was where my dream stopped. even in the dream i felt nervous about talking to her, and remember thinking "i am going to talk to my nana." at the end of my dream i wanted to tell my mom i finally talked to nana. when i woke up, that was the first thing i was going to do, but my mom is away on business and i wouldn't want her to get upset while she was doing something important. i know the dream would either upset her, or make her think... either way she didn't need that hundreds of miles away doing technical company work.
my nana's death was the hardest on my mom, and sometimes we talk about it, but it's usually me who changes the subject because it's too hard for me to handle. i visited her grave on mother's day back in may for the first time in years. i avoided every trip my mom took up there. i used to go, and it used to be sad, but not excrutiating. this time was different, and as horrible as it sounds, i honestly don't want to go back there. and as much as it scares me to dream about her, or think that i see her somewhere or hear her voice... i'd take any of those over visiting her burial site any day. i probably sound backwards, but that's always me, isn't it? i used to feel her around here sometimes, but not anymore and i don't know why. maybe it is because i'm scared. but of what? i wish i knew, because she was the sweetest, most kind hearted old lady anyone could ever meet.
even now, when i pass the hospital all lit up at night, i think of her, and want to cry.
these new found feelings of loss don't make my life any less confusing.
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