murphy's law.

i've pretty much just been making sure that my bed does a good job of swallowing me up every night, and every morning, and every day. inside my sixty dollar sheets that he bought me for christmas is where i feel warm, rested and safe. my bed is still flooded with blankets, pillows and a few sentimental stuffed animals. as of late there has been a heating pad residing to the left of me, because i have had horrendous stomach pain for the last three weeks. this is the first time that i've gone through these endless series of tests without him by my side. blood work monday, ultra sound tuesday... and you name it, i run the gamut. i decided i should probably start to worry when i'm actually happy, when NOTHING is going wrong. although those times are rare, i should take note of the storms that may arise. i take some sort of sick, twisted comfort in being ill. it cradles me, and i rely on it as an excuse. my hair still smells like him, and while i submerged myself in the tub, i couldn't find the energy nor the urgency to wash it. my back is sore from my skin being grappled, but i expected it, maybe even asked for it. when i dropped my clothes to the ground and stepped into the scalding tub (which i thought would burn out any remnants of foolish memories my brain may have been trying to conceal) i noticed the broken blood vessels on my shoulders that i had once fell in love with. that was years ago, and i am not sixteen, seventeen or eighteen anymore. i don't know what type on contusion i will fall in love with next, but i'm sure it will be one of which that was given to me in times of some fierce passion, by someone who was either aware of it or not.

each body i touch i become miraculously in touch with. i will touch your chest and find your heartbeat, loud or small inside you, and mine will beat right along with it. don't stray because i got inside your head, heart and mind. i know this scares people away from me. if you are scared, then i am probably scared too. if you are sad, then i am probably sad as well. if you're mad, then i probably think you are mad at me. but right now i will tell you what i feel: i feel sick and alone, and rather rotten. i set myself up to feel the opposite of what i should be feeling. i fall for every trap set, even when it could probably be avoided entirely. i'm feeling pretty lost, confused and exhausted. i'm just so tired of everything i've been doing for so long. i want my actions to matter to someone, somewhere. i want my love back, i want to be held when i'm feeling this way. i want to talk to someone every night, and wake up still talking to them. i do not want, however, my dreams to be flooded by all the negative emotions i have in my waking life. i do not want these people who are distressing me in real life to somehow find their way farther into my subconscious than they already have. i do not have the energy when i'm awake, much less when i am asleep. maybe if these people felt good inside, they wouldn't be so scared of me.

my ghost still knows me. he's still inside me and i still welcome him. i'm scared all over again. i'm sick to my stomach all over again. my life right now is mostly reminiscent to that of five years ago. this is almost one hundred percent attributed to this person. i am afraid he won't speak to me, won't see me, won't listen to me ever again. i will live in fear or live in embarrassment until he leaves this state, which in turn i will leave as well. in the long run, this is something i want to fix.

some scarecrow still floats around inside my head, every day. words we exchanged still repeat themselves in my ears and still, i do not understand the full extent as to what happened. i took myself out of the ditch i was resting in and put faith in the fact that "this may work" is indeed a phrase people sometimes use. it is my nature as it is my style to be nervous and awkward and negative. the idea of me still having a good feeling about this perplexes me, as does my entire life in general. so it's hard to narrow down one single thing i am confused about without every other problem or idea popping into my head.

so tell me why, WHY do i have to feel this way? why do i have to be thrown back into a pit of hungry blood suckers? HOW is it possible to even feel the way i do about these people? why am i constantly scared, nervous and ridiculous? things just recently got this complicated, i guess within the last six months. not once before did i ever have to seclude myself because i was so terribly confused. (yes, i have secluded myself before, but for other reasons that now looking back, were probably easier... maybe).

right now the main problem is i am too afraid to speak or act or even think. i need some sort of guidence, some sort of fabulous intervention, and most importantly an answer. i think i may have an idea as to what i want, but like i said, i am way too scared to act on anything right now.