tonight i'll watch the lights go out in your house, wondering how i could get so deep and you could still get sleep. in vain i blame my trembling on the cold air.
the more people i talk to, the more i realize that we are all in the same boat. one big sinking ship actually. no money, shit job (or lack there of), school (or lack there of as well), life in general, i guess. when i think about this time last year, it's possible for me to draw similarities to my current predicaments, but not entirely. i'm pretty sure that i was happy, even if i hated school. i'm pretty sure i had stability, and a steady income. or atleast enough to pay my bills and have a little bit of a social life. i think. i'm not sure anymore, because that all feels like a really really long time ago. so many people have come and gone since then, i know it's for the better. i don't really talk to anyone i went to high school with and i'm sorry, but i don't really care to either. i am not about to catch someone up on what they've missed. i don't have the energy and they probably don't deserve my energy anyway. every day i get random texts/comments/messages from my high school friends asking me what i'm doing, how i am, and telling me they miss me and want to see me. i ignore all of them. i don't want to see any of those people. but then there's some people that i am willing to cut myself completely open for and let them pick apart my brain until they find something satisfying. (i'm still searching for that inside myself though. never satisfied.) september has started off harshly and i hope that this is not a prerequisite of the future. that is something i cannot even begin to handle. the more i lock myself up in my room, the more i start to dislike things. but on the bright side, the more i lock myself up, the more creative i've become. i can't stop writing and i can't stop collaging. but that won't get me anywhere in the real world, will it? a negative is that i CANNOT STOP THINKING. and i hate it. i hate over thinking EVERYTHING. but i do it like it's my job. i'm pretty much in charge of making people feel awkward and uncomfortable and i realize now why i drive so many people away: because i'm fucking awkward and definitely legally insane.
my best friend hasn't spoken to me in weeks. i don't blame her, because she's actually doing something with her life. i'm still here, fucking around in my room, in my house, in this town, in new jersey. and this state is making me sick. kristyn and i have made a pact that by this time next year, we will have sold most/all of our belongings and get the fuck out of new jersey. we're wasting time. but at least she has a bit of direction on her side. all i know is that i want to travel and take photographs and write, but i don't even know how to start that. i don't start anything and if i do, i never finish it. my signature, if you will.
a few other important/unimportant things going on in my life are: my bones won't stop cracking, i have a zit for the first time in forever, my camera is fixed and i couldn't be happier about that, kristyn is living with me, i got a new job. etc whatever whatever. i'm fucking up big time with so many people including my parents... mainly my dad. i am most likely driving this boy i know, as well as most of my friends away. awesome! i've got a lot to say to so many people but i never say anything.
nameless,
you really don't know how badly you fucked me over and how scared and scarred you've made me. i look like a fool because of how things panned out. i'm over you, for real. but i will never forget how awful you made me feel for so long. i still feel sick when i think about it. now i look like a pathetic, clingy little girl vying for anyone's attention. this, i'll have you know, is a complete turn off to anyone and everyone. i believe that you are the reason i over think, over analyze, and second guess everything. not just regarding the last seven months, but from the time i met you. i was always worried about what you though of me, and i was never like that until i met you. now it is like an infectious disgusting disease i can't ever shake. this also turns people off. so thank you for that. once i said you ruined me, and im sure that hearing that made you the most satisfied you've ever been. now i am trying to form new relationships with people, but my fucked up mentality makes it hard to get close to anyone. now i just push people away before shit even gets started. whatever whatever. thanks.
not really.
now i could sit here and post a shit ton of lyrics that remind me of everything i'm feeling right now, and every single person i know, but that's been done (mostly by me) and i just wrote a four-ish page note to someone including lines from fourteen different songs. so i'm done for now.
but still, it won't matter. i can't get my point across with other people's songs, just like i can't get it across with my own voice. it's okay.
no it's not.
i just want to feel something close to normal for once. and not only have it last a week or so. i'd want it to last. that's something i'd fight for.
actually i am fighting already. i don't even know what i'm doing. or if i do know, i don't know how to do it right.
"...that's why i'm singing, baby, don't worry, because now i've got your back and every time you feel like crying, i'm gonna try to make you laugh. and if i can't, if it just hurts too bad then we'll wait for it to pass, and i will keep you company through those days so long and black. we'll keep working on the problem. we know we'll never solve of love's uneven remainders; our lives are fractions of a whole. but if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall then i think we'd see the beauty then and stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges, like a story told by the fault lines and the soil."
have a little faith in me.
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