i have a lot to say. a lot, a lot. i shouldn't have put this off for so long, but honestly i was just waiting for something to happen, and as usual nothing happened. so for my own sake, i'm going to stop being so vague and mysterious and just spit it all out. i've already exploited everyone in this, i might as well give names to the characters.
i'm going to start off by saying how much i love my friends. i needed friday night more than i needed anything else in the entire world. laurel and kait were home, and it was so good to have them even if it was for one night. kaitlin came over for awhile and then her, laurel and i went to amanda's. i can't tell you how much i appreciate all of them and it still amazes how long they've put up with my shit for. i've literally had the same friends since i was about 12. and i love it, and i love them, and it felt so good to sit and smoke and talk and drink until three in the morning. after i spilled the last month or so out to them and heard what they had to say, i stopped feeling like shit and was able to sleep last night. i love each and every one of them.
on thursday i got home from texas. getting in the car with rich and some kid on monday night and driving 22 hours down there was probably the most random and spontaneous thing i've done yet. but when someone asks you to do something that sounds somewhat exciting, why would you say no? so when he asked, i said yes, and the next thing i knew i was in the car. liking him may have had something to do with the decision, but i probably would have gone with anyone at this point in my life. i was expecting to take a lot of cool pictures and see a lot of neat things, but i didn't really see anything and i certainly didn't take any good pictures. it took me probably eight or so hours to get comfortable with my surroundings, and being there in general. it took me even longer to make any type of inititation toward him. the trip wasnt exactly fun, but it wasn't bad either. i pretty much kept to myself the entire way home simply out of frustration and the feeling of wanting to give up and get the hell out of my own skin. i think it's safe to say i slept 20 of the 22 hours it took to get back to new jersey. when i got home i got dressed and went to thanksgiving dinner at jimmy's sister's house with my mom, brother, and jimmy. i was drunk at dinner with two girls i just met and had a good time on a holiday for once.
so now i'm going to be a little bitch and complain about boys and motives and being a girl. but first let me just say FUCK. YOU. i'm so sick of the same bullshit. i'm sick of immature boys, and slutty fucking girls, jealous bitches and boys with no backbones. this is my friends fault, this is his fault, and this is her fault. this is my sister's fault for telling me he's a "light hearted guy who isn't crazy" and telling me i needed that, even though i was scared to let yet another boy in. everything since vinnie has been hookups which inevitably end in fuckups. this is his fault for telling me he liked me, for spending two weeks straight with me, for giving me the most mixed signals i've ever seen in my life. this is her fault for being a jealous little girl and continually trying to get what she wants. i'm twenty years old and over the games. which leads me to the question i have for myself: why am i still talking about it, thinking about it, stressing about it? oh, could it be that he just randomly pops back up? randomly calls me babe and sends hearts in text messages? that could be it. or the fact that he asked me to go to texas for four days? your guess is as good as mine. but anyway, this isn't my fault. get over your ex girlfriend who's manipulating and grow up because you're not in high school anymore. don't tell me you're not being shady when it's NOTHING but apparent that you are. i can see right fucking through you because even though youre confusing as hell and somewhat hard to read, i've seen this before and i was that before. i'm pretty sure not answering me and sketching out constitutes as being shady. be fucking honest. this is nothing that i wouldn't say to your face, but you're too afraid of that.
i'm too old to play highschool games. not only has he completely confused me, but the way i feel about him is confusing too. i don't even know how strongly i feel about him because i'm so confused, and frustrated and angry. that all gets in the way of liking someone, and even respecting them. all i can say is stop being a pussy. ......"kaitlin says man up."
i obviously hate being single but at the same time i don't want to jump into a relationship at all. i liked how things were back in the beginning of october, really chill and really fun. i'm not needy, i just like to have companionship other than my friends. i like getting wrapped up into something. and the chase, as long as i don't get fucked in the end. which has happened three times now. this being the third time. so i can't help but think that maybe there is something wrong with me. as much as i saw vinnie and i breaking up, i still don't understand how someone can wake up one day and not be in love with the person they were with for three years anymore. or how someone can wake up and decide to cut all ties with that person. i don't understand how someone can have sex with you, but then tell you that they don't want a girl in their life. or how someone can take you across the country, then pull the shadiest bullshit.
there's copeland a lyric that says, "for a moment i was warm and the world made sense, and for a moment this storm had no consequence." and i feel that so much because at every point that i was happy and there were no problems whatsoever, even if it only lasted for a few days or a few weeks or a few months... whatever... i felt like everything made sense and fit and clicked. but then it's snatched right up and cut up into a million little pieces and you end up back where you started: alone and confused. or any negative emotion really. the past couple of days i was so mad it turned into me being upset. i've got to talk about something else.
when you're sitting in the back of a car alone for 22 hours, you apparently start thinking about everything. something made me start thinking of my seventh grade english class. the fact that my hair was starting to dreadlock made me think of the one time i asked vinnie to brush the knots out of my hair and he said no, that that was gross... which made me think that if i asked any one of my friends that question, there'd be no debating, they'd do it for me. the song "no one really wins this time" came up on my playlist, which made me think of carsten because old copeland makes me think of him. the straycat scratches on my legs made me think i was going to end up in the hospital for some kind of disease. the feeling of starting to feel trapped made me want to curl up and force sleep upon myself. and that's exactly what i did. being in a bed with a boy and not doing or saying a damn thing made me second guess what i was actually doing in a bed with a boy. the dreams i had during those few days added to my frustration. being in the same clothes for those days made me feel ugly and gross and a shower was what i really wanted, but those ants in the tub made me want to vomit. but mostly the whole time i was thinking, "what am i doing?"
i feel alone, and really weird in my mind and body because i'm not depressed but i'm not happy. i keep repeating myself, but i am just so confused. i don't ever know what to do to fix myself and you'd think by now i'd know. i feel fat and disgusting too, but that's nothing new. i figured i'd throw that in. i haven't been to the gym in a week. which makes me feel that whole "maybe boys don't like me because..." thing. i think it's safe to say i'm boy crazy... but this is the first boy that i haven't gotten sick over. haha! i guess that's a good thing considering how pathetic all of it sounds. my dad is always telling me i don't need a guy in my life to be happy. and i know that. but i'd still like one. or something. some distraction would be good.
i got a new job but the hours are kind of shitty. but i like it a lot. so i guess that should be a distraction, even though it's a small one. whatever whatever.
this is so long, and definitely the most detailed entry i've ever written in here. kind of something i wouldn't post online, but i feel like airing my own dirty laundry and being up front.
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