desolate.

i wanted... needed, to get that horribly pathetic entry off the top of this. i don't feel like it's been four days since i've written, but then again i can't even keep track of time right now.

i finished the 563 pages of new moon in 36-ish hours. afterward i felt (and still feel, somewhat) a sense of contentment. my room is warm, though messy. i feel good when i read those books. i'm looking forward to a somewhat lazy sunday-- seeing kim and resuming our routine of going to the gym. a lazy sunday before the forty hour work week ahead of me. i don't mind though, being out of the house feels good. and felt good today. i had to get away from my mom. i am continually stressed out but still can't put my finger on what it is exactly. i know that i am days, maybe hours away from my breaking point though. it's got to be coming. i'm almost forcing myself to cry or scream because i haven't felt a single ounce of any emotion in so long... aside from frustration. which to me, qualifies more as an annoyance rather than an emotion. i know i would feel that contentment more if i was happy with my body. which is all the more frustrating. i'll force something out of myself within the next couple of days. i bet on it.


i can say that last night i was angry. and not entirely at myself. i was mad at him. it's hard for me to believe, or trust most things that come out of his mouth now. why i still feel comfortable admitting some of my feelings to him is beyond me. i'm a burden now, and i guess i've come to accept that. a burden up to a certain point. can you guess what it is? the anger i have toward myself is this: i asked him if he regretted our six or so hour conversation, when really i should have been asking myself. every minute or so of that conversation i'd think, "should i be doing this? is this smart?" i wish i had known, or even knew now the answer. this blank feeling inside is so damn confusing because it's clouding my perception of almost everything. blank. i wish it was more complex than that because it's simpleness is making it too hard to explain. i feel like when i try to talk about it, i speak in tongues and i don't even understand myself. everything is trying to come out at once and my mouth can't handle that. but anyway, i'm mad at him. for still having a place in my brain and possibly my heart. last week this time my heart was tense. now it's just indifferent, mostly due to my anger i presume. if i could scream, i feel like most of it would be directed toward him. maybe. "i can accept that we are going no where, but let's go there."

i miss my sister, and i miss joey terribly. i miss him being so protective and loving. i miss her helping me do stupid things like chores or making dinner. when they spent some six days straight at my house, i felt ironically independent. i miss laying in bed and watching the same movie over and over with them, random trips to neighboring states, even being inebriated for a week solid. i know we'll have it all again, eventually. i hope they read this and realize how much i do truly do miss them. also, i had yet another very interesting dream. i was in the pool with kim... the same pool we swim in every day, but i was underwater and i was breathing. it was so real that i even questioned it in my dream. for once, the explination isn't fitting. not even enough to even document. hm.

part of me feels like being really productive but the other part of me, the part that won, just curled up in my chair and started writing. i finally resigned and put on a pair of pajamas i'd been avoiding since august. they're just how and where i left them. stolen, and in the bottom of my laundry basket. where they belonged for the last four months. i'm still too mad to even change the subject. but like i said, if i tried to describe how i feel it'd just be gibberish. i'd like to mention that listening to owen doesn't really help. i might as well listen to something heartbreakingly lovely.

something so nice happened a couple nights ago, last night maybe? that i actually wrote in my actual journal (i'd kind of given up on that once i thought it was gone forever. i found it in a laundry basket a couple months ago... that is very typical of me). anyway, the text i recieved, telling me to deep breathe and that you'd do the same... so many miles away from me, was so (maybe oddly) comforting. they come somewhat few and far between but i get a sudden jolt of excitement when i do get them. is that weird? probably. i'm a little embarrassed right now.

but i'm not really hiding anything at this point, nor have i or will i. i like to write far too much and i guess secretly, though it's not a secret from here on out, i want everyone to know who i'm writing about. maybe.... probably, i'm writing or have already written about you. count on it, actually.



this wasn't nearly as angsty as i thought it would be. but i don't feel like i'm finished.
all this lack of knowledge and frustration about most things in my life is so intriguing that i can't stop word vomiting over it.


who's going the right way down a wrong way street? who's making a mistake each time our mouths meet? you're smart and kind and easy on my eyes. i know it feels good, that's why we shouldn't tonight. who's waiting for answers from a boy who can’t speak? will be holding their breath until their blue in the cheeks. you're smart and kind and you're too easy on my eyes. I know it feels good, so good, we should tonight. cause maybe my mom's right, good deeds won't save us, just true faith in Jesus. so in the name of her lord let's do what we shouldn't some more. perfect fit, in two different ways.