last night i spent an hour in a park with danielle playing on swings and talking shit and laughing and freezing my ass off. we drank coffee and met danny for more coffee sometime after midnight. we sat in his car and listened to music and tried to figure out what songs we'd sing. i told danny that everything in my life right now seems wrong. everything. like i'm living someone else's life. this isn't me. this isn't how things are supposed to happen for me. danielle said we look sixteen in that picture. i wish i was sixteen because ironically, that's when everything seemed right in my life. at such a troublesome teenage year, everything felt right. i felt at home with eating disorders and failing grades because i had the most amazing boyfriend and the tightest group of friends and a warm bed and cool parents. that's all that matters, especially when you're sixteen. even seventeen. going on home instruction was a blessing and with it came sincere happiness. the first time i felt genuine happiness in a long time was here. it was a sunday. it was in may 2006. i've obviously been happy since then, but that marked a turning point. i can tell you exactly what it's been keeping me on and off from happiness for the last six years. anyway, EVERYTHING IS WRONG.
i finally went to sleep sometime around 5:30-6:00AM this morning and woke up at 10. i was too anxious to sleep. this shitty fucking hallmark holiday... i know already i put too much effort into it. (ie the curlors in my hair, the valentines i made, the mix and cleaning my room etc etc).
i never have anything to say.
what the fuck am i doing with myself.
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