night/day.

you know whenever i try i want to get it right,

but i distract my focus and blur my own sight.
there are things about me i just can't ignore,
i know i want to change and i see that door
on the other side.

i've been putting off this purification a rebirth
and a regeneration inside of me.
and i've been saying "no" for far too long.

tonight i drove passed my old house. i spent 12 years there, in the big house with cathedral ceilings. i spent ten years with my parents, being a family no matter how unstable we may have become. but now i watched the lights inside it, and i saw the bare walls and remembered the picture we had above our couch and the wall unit full of pictures, the green arm chair where we took christmas pictures. but it's gone now, the house may as well not exist.

after that i found myself in front of my first boyfriend's house. it's dark at 11:30 pm. he kissed me on the couch before i went on vacation. he broke up with me soon after. for some reason my heart raced when he kissed me, but i've had so much better. i felt like he cared about me. but i was thirteen and naive. no one really cares when you're thirteen.

when vinnie first kissed me my heart stopped all together. i lost my breath. just like every movie. but i'd like to think of it like the little mermaid in particular. the awkward lighting and equally awkward movements we made to get to the point of touching made the kiss so much better than anything i ever felt. being sixteen was so easy but you never think about that when you're sixteen. through the eating disorders and depression... i didn't mind.

things i know right now:
-he doesn't have my picture as the wallpaper on his phone or computer.
...i have his picture set as both.
-i am having major trust issues.
-i cannot control my emotions whatsoever as of late.
-today the heat tired me out. today was a long day.
-i alternate between dying to see him and wanting to return my tickets completely.
-maybe my friends getting home from school isn't the answer.

i will most likely not have an answer or a concrete emotion. ever.

i don't think i give a shit. i think that's the problem.