i'm twisting to the sun i needed to replace.
the fountain in the front yard is rusted out,
all my love was down in a frozen ground.

So everything has undoubtfully turned to shit once again. though i'm not surprised, it still sucks. losing touch with a lot of people. i wish i cared enough to fix it. i wish they cared enough to fix it as well. i need to learn to keep my mouth shut, and that you might not always be the best person to confide in. i don't want to be here right now. i don't want to be dealing with any of this. there is no easy way out because i would have taken it already. i'm not afraid to cop the fuck out. i hate the position i am in and don't you think if i had a choice, i would do something else? it would be much easier to laugh at how pathetic i am but i can't even do that yet. i don't think i'm that much of a joke yet. hopefully i can change something before i do turn into a joke, and become what i hate.

oh and let me just clear it up: i hate everything right now. i hate the weather, i hate school, i hate my job and money, i hate myself for all the stupid things i've been doing/saying/thinking, i hate my body, i hate my brain, i hate where i am, i hate my friends or lack there of. i hate that i am not in a relationship anymore, i hate that we failed. i hate being confused and fucked over. i hate that everything hits at once, and everyone manages to say the wrong thing to me, most of the time. i hate that i want everything my way. cause that's not going to happen. ever. i could go on and on but i sound like enough of a brat.

i'm over it, so over it. everything. no one likes me and i don't fucking blame them. i've almost walked all over everyone anyway. watch out.

i wish you didn't lie to me.
and i wish you and i had worked out.
and i wish i didn't lose everything.
and i wish i wasn't alone right now.
and i wish you weren't always walking out on me.

everything i've been holding in for weeks is coming out with a fucking vengeance, and it's way too early for me to even spill my guts. so rock and a hard place... what's up?