me and my head high, and my tears dry.

but i tread a troubled track.
my odds are stacked, and i'll go back to black.

i'm definitely all over the place right now...


i'm happy for one thing. i'm happy you spent the night and we didn't even have to talk that much to know exactly what we needed. i'm glad i got to wake you up this morning and i'm glad we got to get ready together. but i will not let myself slip back into what i just forced myself out of. i don't really know what i'm doing actually.


i'm frustrated because i feel like i am a complete failure at everything i attempt. i fucked up in school both semesters. i'm sick all the time which makes dancing harder. i dropped my english class. i'm failing out of math because i can't get into my online account. the worst thing is i don't care. i have absolutely no idea what i am doing with my life, where i'm going. i'm completely directionless. feeling shitty about this part of my life makes everything else suck that much more. being sick and hormonal do not help either.



and this now... i'm angry. i don't even know how to get into this because i don't know how i let myself get into it. i guess i'm just going to say that not everything is easy and everyone knows that, so i don't know why i am treated as if i can help whatever it is i'm feeling or doing. the last thing i want to be dealing with right now is immaturity and no matter how hard i try to not get caught up in it, i always do. with almost all of my friends it seems. sorry. this isn't middle school. grow up.


over all i feel pretty shitty. school, money, my body, you, you, and you too. but i'm not sitting here crying about it, which is new for me. usually i'm all about feeling sorry for myself or not wanting to get out of bed. ( fyi- the only thing that might be keeping me in bed is the mono that will not ever fucking leave my system and the sinus infection that also refuses to go away). i'm just as self conscious as ever but this faux confidence act is working just fine for now. maybe i will make myself believe some of the shit i've been saying. or it might backfire completely. my mom keeps saying "things will get better." and i know that. but the idea of them getting shitty again is something i can't even handle right now.


i'm going to the next carrie bradshaw, i know. you don't have to tell me twice.
no.