my body is heavy and my insides are on fire, and my baby's getting nightmares, and beauty never sleeps, only stalks. there is no need to scorn me when i did not do anything wrong. everything is hideous, and i am denial. i don't even feel at home. spread apart on a hospital bed is the closest to safe i have felt in so long.
there are the demons, and then there are the lovers, and i am constantly fighting both of them. the more i try to find god, the harder it is. maybe it's not even about me believing... maybe it's that god doesn't believe in me. maybe i need to wait for him to find me. well, i am right here and i'm not the one who changed.
"...love is speaking in code, it's an inside joke. love is coming home."
he'll find me eventually.
(i'm hoping it's sometime soon because i'm kind of lost and lacking.)
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