my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be.
and i'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me, such as living with the uncertainties they'll never find the words to say which would completely explain just how i'm breaking down. maybe i'll sleep when i'm dead, but now it's like the night is taking up sides.
and i'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me, such as living with the uncertainties they'll never find the words to say which would completely explain just how i'm breaking down. maybe i'll sleep when i'm dead, but now it's like the night is taking up sides.
i'm in the middle of writing a story that i absolutely love, but i'm also in the middle of a shitfuck writer's block. (that was so eloquent of me!) so it's taking me forever to write, a little each day, but i hope i'm extemely happy with it at the end. i've basically been compiling my dreams into a story, so i guess it's somewhat ficticious. each night i have a dream that some how makes it's way into the story. they're not all good dreams, but they seem to fit. and get me so frustrated at the same time. WHY can't i find that boy who was singing to me, squeezing my hands in real life?
i'm completely sick of being single. i like being in a relationship. i'm a good girlfriend. every boy i've seen since the breakup has been a complete waste of time. but i have no idea how to meet people, and i have no idea what boys want, and i have no idea how i come off... to anyone.
i said a really bitchy thing to a really nice person tonight, but it only made me feel more in control of myself. so i guess that it was a good thing. i highly suggest to everyone, not to fuck with me or try to play games with me because honestly, i've seen all of it, if not most of it before. YOU'RE ALL THE SAME. when a boy comes along that doesn't pull this stupid shit, then maybe i've found someone who is worth it. where the fuck is he?
until then i suppose i'll just make the same mistakes i always tend to make. but that's me i guess. shit!
i've been sick with mono for five weeks. it's excruciating because i'm so frustrated and depressed over it. i cried about it today, and i'm sitting there with makeup running down my face and all i can think about is how much i miss my best friend, and hoping she misses me just as much because without her i'd be completely lost. she keeps me grounded, even if she is five hours away. i miss our group, but i know that things change and as much as i miss it, i'm okay with it because we are all still friends. it was always them comforting me, not yelling at me. it was laurel sitting with me when i got out of the hospital. it was kaitlin picking me up in the middle of the night when i was stuck in philadelphia. it was dianne and kim picking me up at 11:30 pm taking me to straighten my shit out. i know that i'll always have that in all of them. i feel like the most helpless and troublesome one out of all my friends, but in knowing that they accept it after about six years, it makes me feel accepted.
i miss my sister, i do. i miss our companionship and mind reading of sorts. but i feel like we're two different people now, almost completely. as much as it sucked, everything that was done and said had to be done and said. i don't know what to do about it, so i'm just kind of hanging back and laying low... which isn't hard to do considering i'm sick as hell and my friends are either in school or not around at all. when i'm laying around in bed all day, or trying to find energy to get up and do something or wash my hair or... whatever. that's when i wish i had someone the most. i had that in someone for three years and our relationship was so beautiful and that's what i miss the most and why i would love to meet someone worth loving again. because the relationships bloom...burst, into such amazing feelings. and i need that when i'm sick and crying about it. (not to sound pathetic, cause i'm really not) i just like that feeling. some day i'll find a boy who likes that feeling just as much. it's the rejection i'm scared of.
i'm completely sick of being single. i like being in a relationship. i'm a good girlfriend. every boy i've seen since the breakup has been a complete waste of time. but i have no idea how to meet people, and i have no idea what boys want, and i have no idea how i come off... to anyone.
i said a really bitchy thing to a really nice person tonight, but it only made me feel more in control of myself. so i guess that it was a good thing. i highly suggest to everyone, not to fuck with me or try to play games with me because honestly, i've seen all of it, if not most of it before. YOU'RE ALL THE SAME. when a boy comes along that doesn't pull this stupid shit, then maybe i've found someone who is worth it. where the fuck is he?
until then i suppose i'll just make the same mistakes i always tend to make. but that's me i guess. shit!
i've been sick with mono for five weeks. it's excruciating because i'm so frustrated and depressed over it. i cried about it today, and i'm sitting there with makeup running down my face and all i can think about is how much i miss my best friend, and hoping she misses me just as much because without her i'd be completely lost. she keeps me grounded, even if she is five hours away. i miss our group, but i know that things change and as much as i miss it, i'm okay with it because we are all still friends. it was always them comforting me, not yelling at me. it was laurel sitting with me when i got out of the hospital. it was kaitlin picking me up in the middle of the night when i was stuck in philadelphia. it was dianne and kim picking me up at 11:30 pm taking me to straighten my shit out. i know that i'll always have that in all of them. i feel like the most helpless and troublesome one out of all my friends, but in knowing that they accept it after about six years, it makes me feel accepted.
i miss my sister, i do. i miss our companionship and mind reading of sorts. but i feel like we're two different people now, almost completely. as much as it sucked, everything that was done and said had to be done and said. i don't know what to do about it, so i'm just kind of hanging back and laying low... which isn't hard to do considering i'm sick as hell and my friends are either in school or not around at all. when i'm laying around in bed all day, or trying to find energy to get up and do something or wash my hair or... whatever. that's when i wish i had someone the most. i had that in someone for three years and our relationship was so beautiful and that's what i miss the most and why i would love to meet someone worth loving again. because the relationships bloom...burst, into such amazing feelings. and i need that when i'm sick and crying about it. (not to sound pathetic, cause i'm really not) i just like that feeling. some day i'll find a boy who likes that feeling just as much. it's the rejection i'm scared of.
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